My Cousin Jimmy

I have a lot of crazy cousins. But somewhere on the top of the list would definitely be my cousin Jimmy. He and his twin brother are infamous for their hard-partying ways. They're stories always sound more like something out of a highschool movie than a real life incident. They're in their early thirties now, but they can still party harder than most people I know. My brother and I look forward to hanging out with them because of the crazy shit that will inevitably occur. For example, here's what he emailed me about a recent weekend:

Our party was I'm sure no where near as fun as yours...Although it was open bar for 5 hours....The only thing I remember were three girls who wanted Tommy and I to take our hats off so they could see what we look like without them on, which Tom replied in a drunken and surly tone, "I'll take my hat off when you take your shirts off!!" To which they began to do....before the bartender flagged all of us!!!
I was so hungover the next morning, and I had to attend a brunch of a co-worker, who happens to have a supermodel daughter who was visiting from South Beach with three of her friends....mid-way through the brunch I had to excuse myself and vomit, which reverberated through the whole house....Needless to say I think I ruined my chances with the models! LOL!!!

I was exchanging these emails with Jim around the time of my twenty first birthday. The topic of his own twenty-first inevitably came up and I was amazed- no, in awe- of his story. It has had me cracking up for the past few weeks as I try to think of the actor that will play him when I eventually make this into an extremely successful film. So I thought I'd share it all with you. I think it'll give you a good laugh.


Ahhhh so glad to hear your 21st was a blast! True Story- On my 21st I made the insane decision to take a drive up into hillbilly (Punxsatawney)country at 3 in the morning, completely hammered and bombed out of gourd, in my new antique car....I almost killed myself three times, so I decided to pull into a bible belt church that was up on a hill....I went into the back of the church parking lot to pass out and get some sleep, I thought I put my car in park, I did not, so the Bel Air went racing wildly and out of control down through corn patch, cutting a swath through the entire corn field (meanwhile I am passed out the entire time) I wound up in a ditch at the bottom of the corn field with the front end of my car in a ditch and my back end entirely up in the air(mind you this was a mint condition antique car thatI just got that week)
I was awoken the next morning by a pastor dressed in all white and Triple AAA lifting my car out of the ditch.....I was sooo out of my mind drunk I thought I was dreaming the whole thing...The pastor then proceeded to take me into the church where service was going on....so picture me...completely out of my mind, blood shot eyes, stinking like stale beer, in sweaty clothes...and a church full of bible waving freaks staring at me....The music stopped for a second and then continued , as the pastor took me into the bathroom to get me cleaned up, I vomited and then passed out in the sacristy...
I woke up at like 4 in the afternoon and the had dinner with the pastor and his family.....most bizarre day of my life...well at least in the top ten!!!!!!! LOL!!

Yeah, by the way, this guy's a teacher. Pick your children's schools carefully ladies and gentlemen.