Observational Humor

Just me commenting and complaining about life in general

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Gym Rules

When you enter the fitness center at my school, there are several rules printed out on the entry door: sneakers must be worn, no food allowed, wipe down equipment when finished. You know the stuff. But after this semester, I think they need to add a few more rules, rules that should go unsaid, but clearly need to be reiterated amongst the Manhattan College community. If I had my way, these would be some of the guidelines on the gym door:

1) No Cell Phones! Ok, its one thing if you pick up your phone as you're pulling on your jacket and sweatpants, but its an entirely different thing to be using it while walking on the treadmill. Not only is it incredibly bizarre that one feels the need to talk on the phone that badly, but, even worse, you are abusing your time on the treadmill. The other day I watched a girl walk on the treadmill for 10 or 15 minutes while on the phone. I thought she was just lazy and a halfassed exerciser, but then, I find out this wasn't even her workout. She was waiting to hang up before she pumped up the speed and started her run. There's only 10 treadmills in this place, people, and only 5 functioning ones, so you better start running and then get the hell off. I'm stuck over here on the exercise bike because you need to talk to Jenna about next weeks sorority meeting? I don't think so, sister.

2) While in the fitness center, liquids should be confined to water and sports drinks only. Last week I watched a girl on the treadmill who, unlike the aforementioned individual, was actually busting her ass. She was running at a speed I could only dream of reaching, and it looked like she was doing it with ease. I was truly impressed. That is, until I looked at her cup-holder and saw she was drinking a cup of coffee as she ran. Ok, sometimes I'll have a little coffee a half an hour before a run to give myself some energy, but WHILE working out? That's entirely different. The thought of it alone makes me want to vomit. Coffee is for Starbucks, water is for the gym. I dont think theres anything else that needs to be said.

3) No street clothes. Ok, this one is actually on the list of rules already, but apparently others have a misguided opinion of what "street clothes" entails. When I go to the gym, I wear a t-shirt and sweatpants. If I'm feeling particularly sexy, I might switch up that ratty tee for a ratty tank-top. But I do not wear full makeup, a baseball cap, or Uggs. These are not gym wear. First off, no one's taking your picture, so you can wipe off the makeup, Paris. And baseball caps should not be worn during indoor physical activity. They are BASEBALL caps, as in that sport played under the glaring sun. I know the florescent lights in here are bright, but the rest of us are seeming to manage just fine, chief. And the Uggs? You're on an elliptical, not climbing in the Andes. Lose em.

4) When working out, your appearance should be equivalent to energy exerted. Disregarding the heavy makeup hoes, I am still astounded by the perfect appearances of many girls at the gym. I don't know how they do it, but so many manage to walk out after an hour and a half workout with perfect hair, not a single sweat mark, and nothing more than a "healthy glow". I, on the other hand, walk out smelling to high heavens, with my hair falling out of my lopsided ponytail, and my face so red that I think people consider calling the paramedics for me. My appearance is nothing less than offensive. So how do these other girls look so cute? Well, honestly, I don't care. I just want it to stop, because its making me look like a pig.

5) No grunting. We get it, guy, youre lifting a lot of weight, and it must be really tough. Im impressed by your manliness, really. But youre not in labor, so lets keep the volume to a minimum, because not even the Black Eyed Peas full-blast on my ipod is drowning out your hideous groans.

I know I may have voiced my opinion rather roughly, probably too roughly for Manhattan College to display these exact rules, but I really don't think this is too much to ask. If we could all just act like we're in a gym and not in a club, I think the atmosphere would improve greatly. And if anyone else sees these people in their gyms, do me a favor and push them off their machine.


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