The World Is Ending

I'm sorry to send you the message so informally, I wish I could have sent out caligraphied notices, but I think its more important that you hear this news as soon as possible:

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had their baby today.

The alien child's name is Suri, which is surprisingly only a 7 on the Weird Celebrity Baby Names Scale. I guess Tom Cruise dropped some of his creativity on Oprah's couch with his sanity and pride. She weighed 7 lbs and was born with a full set of pearly whites.

Anyways, I've been fearing the birth of this child for some time now because, as you can clearly tell if you're reading this, I'm a huge loser who lives her life through celebrities and reality TV stars. But I never could have expected it to play out this way. I never even realized it was a possibility! But there is a delicious twist to this momentous event: Tom Cruise and Brooke Shields both gave birth on the same day!

For all of you who don't know, Tom infamously slammed Brooke Shields for using prescription medication to treat her post-partum depression after the birth of her first child. Tom suggested that instead she should have simply exercised and taken vitamins to relieve her symptoms. Good idea, Tom. I want to kill my baby but I'm sure a little vitamin C and a brisk walk will clear that all up. Riiiight.

(On a side note, Tom also doesn't believe in psychology, talking during child birth, or gravity. Ok, I might have made up the gravity part but, really, would you put it past him?)

Now, I would never go so far as to wish post partum depression on Katie Holmes because clearly she's suffered enough. And I certainly pray that Brooke Shields isn't afflicted again. But what I will say is that its a shame that someone with as much grace as Ms Shields would be forced to suffer through this condition while ignorant Tom Cruise cruelly criticizes her. Hey Tom, sorry but vitamins and exercise clearly didn't "cure" your homosexuality so I don't think it will work for post-partum depression either. How bout you stick with the cliff hanging and couch jumping and leave women's health issues alone.