How to Eat Out

There are tons of articles and books out there about proper dining etiquette– which fork to use with what course, what wine goes with what entre, reminders to keep elbows off the table and chew with your mouth closed– but there seems to be an immense lack of knowledge amongst the general public about dining out. Everyday, I am consistently shocked and annoyed by the behavior and requests of the patrons at the grill. To be fair, part of that comes with the job. Restaurant staff tend to get bitter and quickly irritated by their customers even when their requests aren’t that absurd. However, other things are just inexcusable. For all of you out there who ever plan on eating out again, I strongly urge you to heed my advice.


As a hostess, I obviously bare a lot of grievances in regards to seating. Upon approaching Harbor Grill, there is a clear sign displayed on the hostess stand reading “Please wait for maitre d to seat you”. However, despite this, numerous customers have walked right past it and sat themselves, usually when I am not at the stand and therefore never become aware of their presence. Even worse, they then become irritated when they do not immediately receive menus or are met by their server. Others recognize my presence, but approach me and immediately point out a table informing me that they will take that seat and rendering me completely useless. Lets think about this, people: If you were supposed to choose your own seat, why would they hire a hostess? Do you really think my job is to merely stand there, wait for you to choose a table, and then escort you the 10-20 feet to it, handing you a menu as you seat. I think not.

Believe it or not, there is actually a valid purpose to having a hostess. By assigning patrons to a table, she is able to maintain a rotation of servers, who are each given their own section in the restaurant, so that no one waitress is over seated and therefore does not become overwhelmed. Please, please remember this next time you eat because there is nothing I hate more than the self-seating customer, the picky customer, and especially the indecisive customer- the one who asks to change tables after they’ve initially been waited on, leaving me to hunt down their waitress and inform them they know have a table on the complete opposite side from their section.

Now that you are seated, there are still some general guidelines that should be obeyed. For starters, do not ask a server other than your own for the check, another drink, or an extra order of onion rings. You are not their responsibility and, for your own sake, there is often little they can do to help you. Even if they are willing to take time for people they will receive no gratuity from, they are incapable of placing orders for a table that is not their own: the computers won’t allow it. If all you need is some extra napkins or a little more salt, and your server ir truly MIA, ask the hostess if she is not too busy. Most keep these odds and ends in their stand or, if not, are willing to run back to the wait-station to grab what you need.

Furthermore, I am continually amused by customers who berate their server for the quality of the food. Food is cold? Probably the server’s mistake. Missing a side of fries? Yeah, they probably screwed up. But if the balsamic’s too strong, or the fish doesn’t seem quite fresh, this is hardly the waiter’s fault. Though great at carrying a heavy tray, I know no servers who buy, prepare, and cook the food they serve. If your food is really inedible of course you can explain the problem to the waitress. After all it’s not like you can walk into the kitchen and explain your problem to Chef Bob, though I’ve seen people try. But if you do, try and voice your dissatisfaction nicely, keeping in mind that the server isn’t responsible for your gripe. Just as you wouldn’t yell at your mailman when you receive a pricey bill in the mail, don’t blame the waitress for your burnt toast.

Yet, though you have the right to return your food when it is truly unsatisfactory, don’t think this means you can send back every little thing you dislike. Eating out is about taking risks. Sometimes, you’ll find out that you don’t like their recipe for clam chowder or that you didn’t realize just how strong curried food is: these are not valid complaints. You took a chance and lost. Suck it up, learn from your mistake, move on. Trust me, a crab cake that’s smaller than you expected is not the end of the world. Order another, ask for a bowl of soup, get desert. Just don’t send it back, because I’ll tell you now, when you do, we’ll all be in the back making fun of your sweater and ugly haircut.


However, if you choose to be an asshole and send back that veggie burger (what?! It’s not a homemade patty? Inexcusable!), make sure you haven’t consumed more than three bites of that meal. Last week, we had a customer who had actually returned a fully eaten meal. The Lobster Roll they had ordered was gobbled up, only a few scraps of pink meat remaining. Yet, when I came to bus their table, the man sitting their asked me not to take the essentially empty plate, claiming he wanted to discuss it with his waitress. As Sara T approached the table, I heard the man explain how his poor wife was really unsatisfied with the meal, how the meat just didn’t seem fresh, how he didn’t believe they should have to pay for the plate. Sara looked at him bewildered, slowly asking why, if the food was so poor, his wife was able to consume the entire thing. “Well,” he went on. “She was really hungry, so she forced it down.” Look, its not our fault your wife’s a malcontent pig. Although, in the end, the SOB didn’t have to pay for the roll and even got an apology from the manager. However, I can’t repeat the comments made about him by the staff afterwards. Children may be reading this.

In the end, however, it all comes down to the tip. Behave however you want- you can even slap the waitress in the face if you so desire- as long as you leave a decent tip. Decent meaning no less than 20%. Im surprised how many people are still under the impression that 16% is standard. No more, Grandma. Twenty percent is no longer gracious, it's expected. If your waitress was particularly good, the meal spectacular, throw on a few more bucks. If you ordered numerous glasses of coke, another basket of bread, a burger w/out the bun, cheese on the side, and olives instead of pickles, bump that tip up a notch. I’ve looked at tips that, had the person just added one or two more dollars, they would have made their server’s day. Waitressing is a hectic job, one many don’t understand until they’ve done it themselves, so try and keep in mind how hard your server is working for you. Otherwise, be prepared to be known as Fatty McCheepypants every time you return.