What a Jerk

Donald Trump is officially the world's biggest asshole. The following is an open letter he wrote to Martha Stewart:

Dear Martha:

It's about time you started taking responsibility for your failed version of The Apprentice. Your performance was terrible in that the show lacked mood, temperament and just about everything else a show needs for success. I knew it would fail as soon as I first saw it – and your low ratings bore me out.

Between your daughter, with her one word statements, your letter writing and, most importantly, your totally unconvincing demeanor, it never had a chance – much as your daytime show is not exactly setting records.

Despite this, I did nothing but positively promote you. Your only response to your failed show was that, "I thought that I was supposed to fire Donald Trump!" You knew this was not true – NBC would never fire me when The Apprentice was, for a good period of time, the #1 show on television and my recent finale, where I hired Randal, was the #2 show for the week, easily beating the competing finale of Amazing Race and others. Even Mark Burnett said, "Thank God that didn't happen," when asked about firing Donald Trump.

Essentially, you made this firing up just as you made up your sell order of ImClone. The only difference is – that was more obvious. Putting your show on the air was a mistake for everybody – especially NBC.

In any event, my great loyalty to you has gone totally unappreciated.

Sincerely, Donald J. Trump

P.S. Be careful or I will do a syndicated daytime show, perhaps called The Boardroom, and further destroy the meager ratings you already have!"


How could someone so rich and successful have such low self-esteem that they need to attract attention for themselves by needlessly putting someone down? The show was canceled so why does it even matter? Clearly, as you've so gracefully stated, Don, she was no serious threat to wondrous show. Get over yourself. You didn't paint the Mona Lisa, Jerk off. You had a popular reality show. Anyone with a pair of double D breasts can do that. So please, stick to what you're good at: toupes, marrying women half your age, and really ugly real estate.

Oh, and stop calling yourself "The Donald". No one needs that.