My bad luck

I'm convinced that, while numerous wonderful and exciting things happen to other people, I am cursed with only miserable experiences. Here's some proof for ya:

1) While in Boston, Liz met her "future husband" at one of the bars we went to. Despite the fact that it was a short drunken encounter, he called her a few days later, and it turns out that he's a chemistry grad student at BC and really wants to meet up with her again. The only thing I got in Boston was a wicked hangover and a stronger New England dialect. Moreover, the last guy who I gave my number to turned out to be a major creep and has continued to call me for the last six months. I haven't answered the phone the last 200 times he's called yet he still leaves me weird, awkward messages asking me to call him back.

2) For spring break this year I went to "sunny" California. I packed three bathing suits, ten tank tops, and like all my miniskirts yet it was too cold for me to even wear flip-flops. Chris, Jack, and Brendan on the other hand went to Florida where it was around 85 degrees the whole time. Chris is like 5 shades darker AND they saw Kelly Clarkson in South Beach. I'm like 10 pounds heavier and saw a toothless hippie sleeping under a bush.

3) I spent St Patrick's Day at Penn State this year visiting my cousin for her bday with a few of my childhood friends. My one friend Katie hooked up with an extremely attractive guy within a half hour after getting to the frat party. I got beer all over me and slept on the floor.

4) For her birthday, Trisha's mom sent her an entire package of fresh cupcakes with sprinkles and icing to decorate them with. The last thing my mom sent me was a package of twelve-grain hot cereal and a Jesus Pen....ok that was actually kinda cool.

5) Saturday night, as usual, my friends and I went to Towey's, a sleazy but beloved neighborhood bar. Chris, for some unexplainable reason, got free drinks all night from John, the bartender. After paying for my seven dollar Long Island, John yelled at me for not tipping him more. Even though I tipped him a normal amount and he was clearly just busting my balls, I felt guilty and tipped him double for the rest of the night. I came home with $1.72 in change.

6) A few weeks ago, I lost my wallet which contained my ATM card, some gift cards, my insurance card and my id. I hadn't been out drinking. I didn't spend a hectic day at the mall. I just went to class, came back, and it was missing from my bag. I had to use a fake ID to get into the bars that weekend despite the fact that I'm 21 while, at the same time, struggling not to spend all of the 30 dollars in cash I had on me so I could buy my train ticket home for Spring Break. Around the same time, Erin got a call from her mom telling her that another one of her checks came in the mail. For some unknown reason, Erin periodically gets checks from the government for various amounts of money. This one was far less than usual though- only a hundred some dollars.

So I think the facts speak for themselves: I live a pathetic and unfortunate existence while good things continually happen to everyone I know. If things continue to follow the same pattern I should be renting a quant little one bedroom house with my boyfriend Suave and our 5 cats in just a few short years. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll get the teller position at the bank too. But as I think I've made clear, I'm NEVER lucky so more likely I'll just gain 300 pounds, grow a mustache, and yell absurdities at the neighborhood kids as they walk home from school. So warn your children to stay away from crazy old lady Jane because she just might bark at them if they get too close to her front yard. But don't worry, as long as they don't touch any of my Virgin Mary lawn ornaments, I won't bite.